First, the good news. You’re still alive. Good job. Congratulations.
Second, the not-so-good news. You are now a hermit. If you weren’t a hermit before the apocalypse, you’re going to experience a period of adjustment. This might be rough for you. Sorry about that. Hopefully, this guide will help.
If you were already a hermit before the end of the world, this may not come as a shock. For you, the bad news is simply that you’re still a hermit. Sorry about that, too. I think you’ll agree with me that life up until now would have been easier if you weren’t a hermit. But, the silver lining is that we have a head start on all the newbies.
For those of you that are new to the hermit life, here’s a quick primer:
Don’t go out unless you have a good reason. I don’t know about you, but every bad thing that’s ever happened to me happened after I walked out my front door. So, don’t do that. According to the CDC, about 30% of all deaths take place in the home. That other 70% has to happen somewhere. That somewhere is out there. Go with the odds. Stay home.
Go ahead and hoard. Keeping your hermitage well-stocked is key to your survival. If you run out of something, you’ll have to leave the house to get it, right? That’s just bad hermiting, if you ask me. Of course, you can get a lot of stuff delivered to your house nowadays, but that’s no excuse to not make sure you have a spare room full of canned chili, stewed prunes and toilet paper. As an added benefit, if you have such a room, you won’t be able to afford to get more than twenty feet from your toilet, so following the “don’t go out” rule will be a lot easier.
Now is a great time to knock out a few of those murders you’ve been putting off. There’s never been a better time to deal with that pesky neighbor’s dog that keeps crapping on your lawn. Or for that matter, the pesky neighbor. Think about it. All of the potential witnesses are trapped at home. As an added bonus, so are your potential victims. None of that annoying stalking and tracking down your prey for you. And, to sweeten the pot, if you bury the bodies in your backyard, the extra nutrients are going to make your tomatoes really take off! It’s a win-win!
Abundance of Caution. In stressful times like these, certain catch-phrases act as a “get out of jail free” card. “Thoughts and prayers”, for instance, excuses you from doing anything meaningful or inconvenient during a disaster. While that phrase has always been powerful, politicians have shown us the true power of “out of an abundance of caution” as they freely loot the pockets of our grandchildren and cancel the Constitution. Well done, extroverted sociopaths! They have so much to teach us. To learn the lesson, I recommend that you practice using this phrase anytime someone questions your behavior. Start small, work your way up, and soon you’ll find you can get away with anything.
Here are some sample phrases you can use in your daily life:
- “Out of an abundance of caution, I need to take the last package of toilet paper, even though I have seven more packages in my cart.”
- “Out of an abundance of caution, I have installed a minefield in my front yard.”
- “Out of an abundance of caution, I need to maintain at least thirty jet-pack equipped, rocket-launching spider monkeys in my basement.”
So, in summation, I hope that the preceding tips will help you in adjusting to your new life and that you will survive the current crisis as well as the many others which will no doubt follow. I think if you follow these simple rules, you’ll not only survive, but thrive. Good luck!
Just stay the hell away from my house. Seriously. The monkeys are getting restless.